What's New At The Movies

[MusicFan]

Let's look at our first film Alien Vs. Predator, here's what the critics are saying about it.

"Who is the big winner in Alien Vs. Predator? Everyone who avoids going to see the film."
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

"Alien Vs. Predator isn’t the worst movie of 2004, but it is the most blatant exploit of a franchise, and that maybe that is worse."
-- Joshua Tyler, CINEMABLEND.COM

"'Whoever Wins...We Lose!' Thank you, Fox, for the truth in your advertising."
-- Collin Souter, EFILMCRITIC.COM

"Boring vs. Stupid might have been a better name, because I’m not sure which adjective is the more fitting to this nonsense."
-- Mervius, FANTASTICA DAILY

Sound like a great choice, I wonder if anyone will ever say that.




Now let's look at Yu-Gi-Oh! The Movie, Yogi-what? *insert pot smoking icon here*, let's see what the critics are saying about it.

"Yu-Gi ouch! Rare is the movie experience as painful as it is here"
-- Christian Toto, WASHINGTON TIMES

"I took one for the team this week ... If your kid is a Yu-Gi-Oh fan, then God help you."
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

"A shabby, joyless, 90-minute slab of 'advertainment' designed to sell booster packs for a popular trading-card game."
-- M.E. Russell, OREGONIAN

"The only thing missing is a 1-800 number flashing on the bottom."
-- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"A pay-for-admission commercial for its own empire, it stretches the definition of a movie into something so ugly as to be unidentifiable"
-- Mark Palermo, COAST (HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA)

"Adults: If your child forces you to go to Yu-Gi-Oh!, remember that there's no law against iPods in movie theaters."
-- Lily Burk, L.A. WEEKLY

"If your pulse quickens when you hear lines like, 'Not so fast! I still have two cards face down, and they'll bring down your life points to a measly 1000!', then Yu-Gi-Oh is the movie you've been waiting for all summer."
-- Gene Seymour, NEWSDAY

The AVP statement would be said if these two were the only films playing. The Italian Job(2003) is how feature advertisments should be, what the hell happened to the concept of an enjoyable feature advertisement.





Also opening this week, is the sequel to a film we hopefully didn't see Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. Let's see how the film is faring with critics and how many times I can mention The Chronicles of Riddick.

"Ardent fans of the first film will be royally disappointed in Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement."
-- Liz Braun, JAM! MOVIES
There was fans of the first film? Please tell me more about these "fans", I'm very intrigued by this concept. On a totally unrelated topic, I was a fan of Pitch Black who wasn't disappointed by The Chronicles of Riddick.

"While there's nothing in Princess Diaries 2 to offend your eyes or ears, there's plenty to insult your intelligence."
-- Nancy Churnin, DALLAS MORNING NEWS
There's five of us who completely understand the Riddick backstory and had a clue what the fuck was happening during The Chronicles of Riddick.

"So lame."
-- Jay Boyar, ORLANDO SENTINEL
The Princess Diaries 2 not The Chronicles Of Riddick.

"Anne Hathaway and Julie Andrews again star and Garry Marshall returns as director; the only things missing are a script, a pulse, and a reason why."
-- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE
The Chronicles of Riddick had all of these.

"The theme song and spirit was Diana Ross' I'm Coming Out. This time, the theme is more like I'm Running Out. Of ideas. "
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR
The Chronicles of Riddick franchise is certainly nowhere near running out of ideas, thankfully.

"A cheesy-looking sequel to 2001's sleeper hit that lacks anything resembling genuine charm, wit, or heart."
-- Timothy Knight, REEL.COM
The Chronicles of Riddick was loaded with these.

Bottom line: The Chronicles of Riddick is a great movie. And the Princess Diaries 2 will suck like the Princess Diaries 1.




Now the first of two of two films opening in limited release this weekend(that I have heard of), Danny Deckchair, in this Austrailian import inspired by true events a man flies over Austrailia in a lawnchair with a bunch of baloons tied to it. Yes, I did just say the film is about a man flies over Austrailia in a lawnchair with a bunch of baloons tied to it, now let's see if the film is as funny as the plot description.

"A cross between The Wizard Of Oz and Groundhog Day, which means it's going to be a delightfully funny adventure with love and a little bit of magic."
-- Cherryl Dawson and Leigh Ann Palone, THEMOVIECHICKS.COM

"Lighter than helium but irresistible nonetheless."
-- Ken Fox, TV GUIDE'S MOVIE GUIDE

"As instantly gratifying and devoid of surprises as a Club Med vacation."
-- Carina Chocano, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"A soothing antidote to some of the summer's high-priced Hollywood clunkers."
-- Mike Clark, USA TODAY

"Danny Deckchair is a pleasant Australian comedy about an inventive man who escapes his unsatisfying life to start afresh in another place."
-- Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, SPIRITUALITY AND HEALTH

"A highly original and delightfully funny romantic comedy, Danny Deckchair just goes to show that dreams do have wings and love can sometimes fall out of the sky."
-- Urban Cinefile Critics, URBAN CINEFILE

No, this actually isn't a stoner comedy, as for the person whose story the film is based on, it is completely possible the were stoned when they decided to this. It seems the film is just as funny as its plot description, don't worry if the film is not currently playing near you, it opens in wider release on August 27th.




Opening in limited release is our last featured film, which no one really gives a damn about, a romantic drama with Mark Ruffalo by the name of We Don't Live Here Anymore.

"[A] smart insight into modern-day relationships."
-- Duane Byrge, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Affecting and sincere."
-- Carina Chocano, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"Spellbinding stuff -- in part because of its vivid characterizations."
-- J. Hoberman, VILLAGE VOICE

"Director John Curran draws skillfully nuanced performances from the four leads, who have rarely been better."
-- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

"Striking in the way it evokes tension from ordinary conversations and relationship details."
-- Eugene Novikov, FILM BLATHER

"An all-star cast and graceful direction can't quite make this more than another tale of lust and life."
-- James Rocchi, NETFLIX

Who the hell cares? Honestly, who? I don't give a damn, and featured this film because I had previously heard of it and it also Mark Ruffalo in it.

If you are in New York or Los Angeles: Go see Danny Deckchair.
Otherwise: Stay at home and watch the Olympics.

[All-Night John]

I love how you left out all the bad comments about Danny Deckchair.

And The Princess Diaries grossed over $150 million worldwide. Obviously there were people who liked it.

[Zepoliney]

I'm looking forward to We Don't Live Here Anymore. Naomi Watts and Mark Ruffalo are both great and I've heard are excellent in these films. Sadly I have to wait a long ass time to get Independent films showing near me. I have to wait til the 20th to see Garden State, but I'm sure the wait will be worth it.

[AcquiredTarget]

Hmmmmm go see the Australian film or the Olympic medal count shows. No contest there, off to the flicks

[Stonecoldfreak1]

Bottom line: The Chronicles of Riddick is a great movie.

i like you. :)

[MalcolmBrass]

http://www.comingsoon.net/news.php?id=5981

Dennis Hopper joins Romero's Land of the Dead.

[AxeltheRed]

I'm looking forward to We Don't Live Here Anymore. Naomi Watts and Mark Ruffalo are both great and I've heard are excellent in these films. Sadly I have to wait a long ass time to get Independent films showing near me. I have to wait til the 20th to see Garden State, but I'm sure the wait will be worth it.

Garden state will definitely be worth the wait, I heard that the movie is quite good and the performances from Natalie Portman were wonderful.

You may want to watch We Don't Live Here Anymore at your own risk. Though the performances from Watts, Ruffalo, and Peter Krause were good; the reactions they show in the movie after the characters realized they were cheating on each other were very dull and pathetic, making the movie less enjoyable, IMO.

[MusicFan]

Garden state will definitely be worth the wait, I heard that the movie is quite good and the performances from Natalie Portman were wonderful.I actually posted a thread about Garden State a few weeks ago, where I state my opinions of the film.

[Duality]

I'm not at all sure what adult film critics are looking for out of Princess Diaries and Yu Gi Oh.

A movie of the calibur of Finding Nemo should not be expected, nor should it be the standard. These are kids films for Christ's sake.

That said, I'm insulted there are no reviews for Garden State.

[Zepoliney]

Garden state will definitely be worth the wait, I heard that the movie is quite good and the performances from Natalie Portman were wonderful.

You may want to watch We Don't Live Here Anymore at your own risk. Though the performances from Watts, Ruffalo, and Peter Krause were good; the reactions they show in the movie after the characters realized they were cheating on each other were very dull and pathetic, making the movie less enjoyable, IMO.

Yeah, I've heard very mixed things from many people. I just really like all three of those actors, so I'll probably rent it to check out their performances. Thanks for the heads up.

[MusicFan]

That said, I'm insulted there are no reviews for Garden State.Garden State has been out for 3 weeks, it is not new. Here is a thread (http://forums.allgames.com/showthread.php?t=1032) I made about Garden State with a shitload of reviews.

[MusicFan]

Let's take a look at this week's first film, Exorcist: The Beginning.

"The scariest thing here is the editing, which is - bar none - the worst I have ever seen in a mainstream Hollywood movie."
-- Todd Gilchrist, FILMSTEW.COM

"Wandering into the territory of cinema as audience punishment."
-- Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

"Commercially viable but artistically generic piece of horror schlock."
-- Michael Elliott, MOVIE PARABLES

"A snorefest interrupted briefly by a only a few semi-decent moments. "
-- Rebecca Murray, ABOUT.COM

"...it doesn't have anything interesting to say..."
-- JoBlo, JOBLO'S MOVIE EMPORIUM

"could rival Exorcist II: The Heretic as the most ridiculous and boring horror movie ever made"
-- Eric Meyerson, FILMCRITIC.COM

"Nothing in the movie is noteworthy, except for maybe its offensive treatment of children."
-- Bill Muller, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

"This movie is no Exorcist, but it's no Alien vs. Predator either."
-- Michael Wilmington, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

Exorcist: The Beginning really, really sucks, you are much better off seeing Open Water, which came out three weeks ago and that's why it is not featured in this weeks column. The sharks of Open Water reportedly tried to eat the director of Exorcist: The Beginning but spit him out and said he tasted like shit.



Our next film in the new entry in the Benji series called Benji Off the Leash, which hopefully you have lost count of what number sequel this is. Now let's see how the film is faring with critics.

"This story is simplistic and budget-restrained at best. The script has little real mystery and no nuance. Frankly, the best acting comes from the canine co-stars. "
-- Larry Ratliff, SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS

"While it may be free of the potty humor and cruelty that plague many contemporary kids' movies, its cheap lack of a decent script, acting or canine charm is lethal."
-- E! ONLINE

"Parents ... are more likely to experience the film as a blend of clumsy slapstick and mind-numbing bathos."
-- Jay Boyar, ORLANDO SENTINEL

"It's essentially a long-form public service announcement extolling the virtues of animal adoption and decrying the scourge of unfettered dog breeding."
-- Kevin Crust, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"Its heart may be in the right place, but its home should not be your local multiplex."
-- Sean O'Connell, FILMCRITIC.COM

"A shaggy-dog story that goes from boring to downright bizarre."
-- John Monaghan, DETROIT FREE PRESS

"This unwarranted iteration of the '70s shaggy-dog tale pales in entertainment value compared to its website, which features a rant from the mutt's creator, Joe Camp."
-- Ed Halter, VILLAGE VOICE

"Couldn't they find a dog that at least looked like the original? This bowser is fluffier than Benji ever was, and is mostly dingy white."
-- Randy Cordova, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

This Sunday on an all-new E! True Hollywood Story, Benji The Dog. Oh the film, it really sucks.



Our next film is Without A Paddle, let's see whether this paddless boat sank or floated.

"This is a picture pretty comfortable on the bottom of a video shelf with Welcome to Mooseport."
-- Joshua Tyler, CINEMABLEND.COM

"A testosterone comedy that might just as well be titled Without a Brain Cell."
-- Sid Smith, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

"This is the kind of movie where the centerpiece scene involves dropping poop on people's heads. If that doesn't discourage you from seeing it, I can't imagine anything will."
-- Eric D. Snider, ERICDSNIDER.COM

"The only thing that's remotely impressive about this waste of 99 minutes is that it somehow took five writers to put it together, proving that too many cooks spoil the s'mores"
-- James Sanford, KALAMAZOO GAZETTE

"We're missing more than just a paddle here."
-- Audrey Rock-Richardson, TOOELE TRANSCRIPT-BULLETIN (UTAH)

"Without a Paddle is also without talent, originality, anything to laugh at, or a reason to buy a ticket"
-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES

"Not even a paddle can save this ship from sinking."
-- David Levine, FILMCRITIC.COM

"Without a Joke would be a better title."
-- Chris Hewitt, ST. PAUL PIONEER PRESS

"An inept movie that makes even Catwoman seem sane."
-- Bruce Kirkland, JAM! MOVIES

"It's like The Goonies on acid."
-- Tyler Hanley, PALO ALTO WEEKLY

"Not only is it missing an oar, there's a huge leak in this boat."
-- Michael Elliott, MOVIE PARABLES

"The film seems as aimless as a ride down a river without paddles."
-- Jack Garner, ROCHESTER DEMOCRAT AND CHRONICLE

"Five screenwriters, three stars, maybe two good jokes."
-- Ty Burr, BOSTON GLOBE

"Imagine Deliverance as a PG-13 slapstick cartoon for 13-year-old boys. Better yet, don't."
-- Sean Axmaker, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER

It seems like the sharks of Open Water ate 97% of this boat.



Our last film is the indie release Mean Creek.

"A welcome departure from typical movies about teens."
-- Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"Estes has crafted a realistic and rich portrait of the moral dilemmas that adolescents experience."
-- Duane Byrge, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"For a first time director to provoke such impressive performances from a young cast is a good sign."
-- Brad Slager, FILM THREAT

"A frightening journey into the heart of human darkness and morality. Sure to endure as a watermark of the coming-of-age genre for years to come."
-- Dustin Putman, THEMOVIEBOY.COM

"It doesn't pander to or indulge its characters like the teen films we're used to. It looks at them straight ahead and with respect. It's something you wish Hollywood, and even parents, did more often."
-- Kenneth Turan, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"Has a level of moral and psychological intricacy that is rare in high school fables."
-- Lisa Rose, NEWARK STAR-LEDGER

"Estes has provided a keenly-honed view of human psychology."
-- James Berardinelli, REELVIEWS

"After-school-special level dialogue hangs heavily in the air after it is spoken. But the cast is utterly genuine, transcending the limits of the screenplay. "
-- Nell Minow, MOVIE MOM AT YAHOO! MOVIES

Mean Creek is the best reviewed new release of the week by far, over 50% higher average rating than the other releases this week.

My Advice: The sharks of Open Water think you should see their excellent performance in the film Open Water.

[MusicFan]

Let's look at this week's first film, the film Hero.

"Its 96 minutes of tongue-torching, soul-scorching wonders may leave you able to utter only one word in delirious exclamation. Zhang!"
-- Phil Villarreal, ARIZONA DAILY STAR

"This film has some of the more astonishing scenes of individual combat in recent memory, even rivaling the superhero action sequences in Spider-Man 2."
-- Jeff Vice, DESERET NEWS, SALT LAKE CITY

"The images in 'Hero' are often so magnetic you might find yourself forgetting to read the subtitles, but then this is definitely a movie that deserves a second viewing anyhow."
-- James Sanford, KALAMAZOO GAZETTE

"Martial artistic. That's the new term demanding to be coined for director Zhang Yimou's astonishing period drama."
-- Larry Ratliff, SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS

"This is definitely a film worth seeing on a big screen with great sound. While it is a technical marvel, it does have deficiencies that will wear heavily on those raised in the west."
-- Oz, EFILMCRITIC.COM

"The film transforms fighting and killing into something artful, balletic and even color-coordinated, but is somewhat weighted down by a self-conscious patina of quality..."
-- John Beifuss, COMMERCIAL APPEAL (MEMPHIS, TN)

"An epic, evocative of another epoch and of landscapes beyond time."
-- Tim Appelo, L.A. WEEKLY

"Everything about this movie is larger than life. It's a dramatic epic of love and honor, death and betrayal - all in the midst of a kick-*** action movie."
-- Cherryl Dawson and Leigh Ann Palone, THEMOVIECHICKS.COM

"One of the most beautiful works of cinema to be presented in American theatres in this lifetime... It is a perfect film."
-- Edward Havens, FILMJERK.COM

"A picture of astonishing beauty."
-- Robert Denerstein, DENVER ROCKY MOUNTAIN NEWS

"Every bit Crouching Tiger's visual equal."
-- Laura Kelly, SOUTH FLORIDA SUN-SENTINEL

"Maybe the most beautifully-photographed movie I’ve ever seen."
-- Dan Jardine, APOLLO GUIDE

"A film that should entrance the eyes and move the soul of anyone capable of appreciating true filmmaking art."
-- Marc Mohan, OREGONIAN

"Using China’s natural beauty as a palette, Hero boasts a dazzling array of vibrant colors and action sequences that are as graceful as they are lightning-fast"
-- Brian Mckay, EFILMCRITIC.COM

"For a lot of people, there's nothing better"
-- Marty Mapes, MOVIE HABIT

"Zhang successfully subverts the adrenaline charge of combat to the thematic explorations of art, human emotions and history."
-- Arthur Lazere, CULTUREVULTURE.NET

"Displays a rare level of artistry, thematic depth and emotional resonance."
-- Kevin N. Laforest, MONTREAL FILM JOURNAL
I really wish I didn't have plans today because I really want to see this fucking amazing and breathtaking masterpiece.



Let's see if Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Ordhid was really needed.

"It's not very good, but you can get some laughs out of it. And, show this monkey the Oscar! He's better than the human actors in the film!"
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

"Its appeal is that it takes itself very seriously, even if we can't, and 90 minutes of gently laughing at it is almost worth the price of admission."
-- William Arnold, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER

"You know exactly what you're getting into when you sit down to watch a movie in which there is not only one but many giant super snakes...Please tell me you know."
-- Kit Bowen, HOLLYWOOD.COM

"After watching this film you feel that you've aged a thousand years."
-- Jay Boyar, ORLANDO SENTINEL

"There's no J. Lo this time, no Ice Cube, no Jon Voight, no Owen Wilson."
-- Mike Clark, USA TODAY
Wait a minute, Owen Wilson was in Anaconda?, I don't remember that, then again I never saw Anaconda.

"I've seen Anaconda, and, senator, Anacondas is no Anaconda."
-- Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES

"I suppose it could have been worse: it could have been longer."
-- David Foucher, EDGE BOSTON

"The CGI snakes are still so blatantly computer-based that you expect them to occasionally pause and say ‘You’ve got mail!"
-- Larry Carroll, FILMSTEW.COM

"Yes, it's a terrible movie and a waste of millions of dollars, but the upside is that Anacondas is hilarious."
-- Sarah Chauncey, REEL.COM

"The film uses a largely unknown cast that screams nicely and appears to be easily digestible."
-- Michael Elliott, MOVIE PARABLES

"It's little better or worse than the original. But, to be honest, the original -- minus its nascent stars -- wasn't very good."
-- Ellen Fox, CHICAGO TRIBUNE

"Wisely prods not only ordinary phobias about big, bad serpents but also universal terrors of the dark, of narrow spaces, of drowning, of falling, of spiders and much more."
-- Tom Keogh, SEATTLE TIMES
I think you got the wrong movie, buddy.

The only surprise in this unintentionally funny scarefest is learning that the characters you hope get eaten first, darn the luck, make it to the finish."
-- Sean Means, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE

"Does not belong at a theater near you."
-- Eugene Novikov, FILM BLATHER

"Anaconda is the Citizen Kane of giant snake movies. Anacondas is more like the Gigli of giant snake movies, only slightly better because at least Ben Affleck's not in it."
-- Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

"The original 'Anaconda' was dumb fun; this sequel is just dumb."
-- Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION

"Where the first movie had a fragrant odor, the smell, say, of Lysol sprayed in a gas station bathroom, Anacondas actually stinks."
-- Wesley Morris, BOSTON GLOBE

"'There's a way in. There's a way out.' He's right. It's behind you, right below the sign that says Exit. Just follow the stampede."
-- Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR
This film was NOT NEEDED, and DON'T SEE IT.

Let's look at our next film, Suspect Zero, is this better than Ben Kingsley's last film, the masterpiece known as Thunderbirds?

"A structural mess."
-- William Arnold, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER

"Snappy technique can’t disguise the fact that this is a tired pastiche of the serial killer classics that have come before it."
-- Jeanne Aufmuth, PALO ALTO WEEKLY

"The kind of by-the- numbers psychological/ action thriller that Paramount Pictures routinely makes with Ashley Judd and Morgan Freeman."
-- Joe Baltake, SACRAMENTO BEE

"Here's a tale of when mediocre movies happen to mega-talented talents..."
-- Emily Blunt, BLUNT REVIEW

"Fancy camera-work and Sir Ben Kingsley do not manage to make this thriller into anything more than a misfire"
-- Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, SPIRITUALITY AND HEALTH

"Suspect Zero is that rare case of a dull idea redeemed by sharp talent."
-- Peter Howell, TORONTO STAR

"Suspect Zero may be nonsense but at least it's not bland nonsense."
-- Liam Lacey, GLOBE AND MAIL

"Among the lamest serial-killer movies ever made."
-- M.E. Russell, OREGONIAN

"The film merely winds up being just another depressing exercise that confuses faulty plotting and icky visuals with intelligent filmmaking."
-- Peter Sobczynski, CRITIC DOCTOR

"Aptly titled: zero thrills, zero sense, zero chance...a serial killer movie that's substandard despite one's low expectations of the genre."
-- Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION

Did Ben Kingsley forget he was an amazing actor or something because the crapfests he's starred in recently point to that.

Let's look at our last film, Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2.

"It's lots of lame jokes where tots say stuff like 'off the hook' and 'da bomb.'"
-- Robert Abele, L.A. WEEKLY

"Entirely too convoluted for kids and implausible even by the standards set by the original concept."
-- Angel Cohn, TV GUIDE'S MOVIE GUIDE

"Needs less genius in front of the camera and more behind it."
-- Michael Elliott, MOVIE PARABLES

"Features even more toddlers acting in a way only collectors of velvet paintings will consider irresistible."
-- Jami Bernard, NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

"Falls short on nearly every level."
-- Justin Chang, VARIETY

"One of the worst comedies ever."
-- Mike Clark, USA TODAY

"Talking babies are just creepy. I kept waiting for the Superbabies' heads to start spinning around with pea soup flying everywhere. Sadly, this would have been an improvement"
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

"The film's moral? Turn off the TV, young 'uns, and go outside and play! And avoid Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 matinees while you're at it."
-- Gregory Kirschling, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY

"This interminable Pampers commercial has the nerve to end with a 'TV is rotten for kids' message, when the movie itself would do far more to stunt a child's imagination (or cause a kid to burst into tears) than anything currently on television."
-- Kevin Crust, LOS ANGELES TIMES

"If anyone was clamoring for a follow-up to 1999's Baby Geniuses, they'll be happy to know that the sequel retains not only the same gimmicky premise as the original but its preference for cliche-ridden dialogue and flat-footed comedy as well."
-- Sheri Linden, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"It is perhaps the most incompetent and least funny comic film ever made. There aren't even any good diaper jokes."
-- Tom Long, DETROIT NEWS

"The sort of incoherent mess that invariably goes straight to video."
-- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

"More than just another sequel that no one was clamoring to see, this is that rare follow-up that's actually twice as good as the original and is still a piece of junk."
-- John Monaghan, DETROIT FREE PRESS

"The action sequences are phony-looking; the dialogue sounds largely improvised on the fly; the laughs are few and far between; and the acting ... is, to put it kindly, wooden."
-- Michael O'Sullivan, WASHINGTON POST
The Department Of Health has told me to tell you to avoid this film at all costs for your safety.

My Advice: Run to the theater now to see Hero.

[MusicFan]

Let's look at our first film of the week the lufwa(read backwards) Paparazzi.

"Should only be viewed when the best other choice on television is whatever latest product Ron Popeil is selling at four in the morning."
-- Edward Havens, FILMJERK.COM

"Spending more time laughing at it (and more than a few times with it), I managed to get a rather addictively goofy movie that somehow escaped a fate on the USA Network."
-- Erik Childress, EFILMCRITIC.COM

"A stupid celebrity revenge film that should never have been made."
-- Dennis Schwartz, OZUS' WORLD MOVIE REVIEWS

"This mean-spirited revenge story would once have starred Cole Hauser's father, veteran B-movie psycho Wings Hauser, and played grindhouses and drive-ins. And it would have been a far more entertaining picture."
-- Maitland McDonagh, TV GUIDE'S MOVIE GUIDE

"Once a promising actor, Tom Sizemore has become a parody of himself of late, showing less subtlety than Gary Oldman on a bad day."
-- Todd Gilchrist, FILMSTEW.COM

"Paparazzi is every bit as brainless as its previews would indicate."
-- Jeff Otto, IGN FILMFORCE

Fuck you Icon Productions and Mel Gibson. The film SUCKS, and I mean sucks badly.


Let's look at this week's second parc fo eceip(read backwards), Vanity Fair.

"It's executed poorly, with a lack of energy and spark."
-- Jeff Vice, DESERET NEWS, SALT LAKE CITY

"Not unpleasant in a bland Masterpiece Theatre way, but not very faithful to its astringent source either...easy to sit through but not particularly engaging."
-- Frank Swietek, ONE GUY'S OPINION

"Plays only marginally livelier than your average Masterpiece Theatre epic."
-- Bob Strauss, LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS

"Seems to be less an adapatation of the classic 19th-century novel by William Makepeace Thackeray and more of an adaptation of the magazine that bears the same title."
-- Peter Sobczynski, CRITIC DOCTOR

"Even the good chick flicks don't have their audiences laughing at 'em."
-- Chuck Schwartz, CRANKY CRITIC®

"The movie isn't Cliffs Notes, so much as it is a fast-food drive-thru for a classic novel. Beautifully filmed and its costumes are seamless, though the story's not."
-- Nick Rogers, STATE JOURNAL-REGISTER (SPRINGFIELD, IL)

"Watching it is the equivalent of investing ten million dollars at 0.2% interest."
-- Eugene Novikov, FILM BLATHER

"A 'Vanity Fair' with a half-realized Becky Sharp is, in the end, a Vanity Unsatisfactory. "
-- Arthur Lazere, CULTUREVULTURE.NETax

"At the risk of being brutal, I would say that the Witherspoon of Legally Blonde, a far more bubbleheaded picture, was not merely sharper but Sharper than her Becky."
-- Anthony Lane, NEW YORKER

Magazines do not deserve to be adapted to film, and this piece of crap is proof.


Let's look at our next film skcus hcihw(read backwards), The Cookout.

"It took a village of screenwriters and story creators ... to cram just about every imaginable stereotype about African-Americans and white people ever conceived into this short, unappetizing comedy."
-- Angel Cohn, TV GUIDE'S MOVIE GUIDE

"The Cookout holds a smug, mean-spirited undercurrent, made all the more rotten by an attempted sincerity as false as a set of dentures."
-- Dustin Putman, THEMOVIEBOY.COM

Those are this piece of shit's only two reviews, so this film automatically sucks because no reviewers were, well able to review it.

Let's look at our last kcus fo bro(read backwards) err... film, Wicker Park.

"Weak acting, silly story, and totally incomprehensible. "
-- Victoria Alexander, FILMSINREVIEW.COM

"Wooden performances, bad musical choices and one too many twists kill the good times."
-- Jeanne Aufmuth, PALO ALTO WEEKLY

"Nothing in the movie is what it appears to be, which is unfortunate since, at the outset at least, what it appears to be is interesting."
-- Josh Bell, LAS VEGAS WEEKLY

"The whole incoherent mess is sort of like a downbeat Gap ad, only longer and a lot more boring."
-- Connie Ogle, MIAMI HERALD

"After a year of ups and downs... Wicker Park has earned a special place in my cold, black heart and is currently the reigning champ as worst film of 2004."
-- Kevin Carr, 7M PICTURES

"This poorly acted romantic thriller is an abysmal mess."
-- Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat, SPIRITUALITY AND HEALTH

"Like a stream of vapor trails trying to be a cloud, a floating 'thriller' of posed moods and inane jolts that make viewers laugh."
-- David Elliott, SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE

"Five minutes into this eye-crossingly dull drama, you wonder not just what is going on, but why on earth you should care. (The short answer: You should not.)"
-- Phoebe Flowers, SOUTH FLORIDA SUN-SENTINEL

"None of this is interesting in the least, nor is it remotely thrilling or mysterious -- just convoluted, monotonous and riddled with inconsistencies."
-- Paul Doro, MILWAUKEE JOURNAL SENTINEL

"Josh Hartnett sleepwalks."
-- Harvey S. Karten, COMPUSERVE

"Not a movie that inspires you to turn the puzzle over in your head after it's done. More likely, you'll wish you had amnesia."
-- Terry Lawson, DETROIT FREE PRESS

"While it's refreshing to see a thriller that doesn't fit the usual mold, a couple of actual thrills would have been nice."
-- Loey Lockerby, KANSAS CITY STAR

"Dumb, suspense- free and undersexed stalker drama."
-- Carla Meyer, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

"A mess structurally, and any attempt to make sense of its non-linear narrative is guaranteed to bring on an instant migraine."
-- Glenn Lovell, SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS

"A romance that isn't romantic and a thriller lacking thrills."
-- Roger Moore, ORLANDO SENTINEL

"The result is a mess, but it's fun to watch it explode."
-- Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

"A limp and exceedingly uninvolving melodrama about -- gasp! -- a series of unfortunate miscommunications."
-- Michael O'Sullivan, WASHINGTON POST

"A stilted, episodic tale of obsession that grows more ridiculous by the second."
-- Michael Rechtshaffen, HOLLYWOOD REPORTER

"Wicker Park feels like an import stripping film sprockets as it struggles to fit the American mold. Advice from this aisle seat: Bring along a pad and pencil. "
-- Larry Ratliff, SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS

"Sums up everything that's wrong with American remakes of foreign films: it's dumbed down so far, it's just plain dumb."
-- Jamie Russell, BBC

"Grows increasingly ludicrous over the course of its nearly two-hour running time, to the point where it almost appears to become a comedy."
-- Jeff Vice, DESERET NEWS, SALT LAKE CITY

"'Wicker Park' is so forgettable that I needed to dig up the press kit in order to remember the names of most of the characters less than two hours after seeing it."
-- Peter Sobczynski, CRITIC DOCTOR
Bottom Line: Wicker Park is really, really, really bad.


MY ADVICE: Avoid This Week's New Releases At All Costs!

[AcquiredTarget]

Glad I stocked up on some new games. Thanks

[Auf_Der_Maur6]

Unfortunately, my girl buddy comes back from Europe next week, and will probably want to go to Vanity Fair.
If she does, she goes in without me.
Movies like that aren't my cup of tea.

At the local arthouse theater, The Brown Bunny opened.
A 90-minute road movie with 4 minutes of Chloe Sevingy sucking Vincent Gallo's penis. :smt078
I think I'll pass on that too.