Tell your jokes here!

[Auf_Der_Maur6]

Since we all need a good laugh, let's make this thread an all joke thread.
I guess nothing is off limits. :lol:

I'll start off:

A man went to church, and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand and say, "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good."
The preacher said, "Thank you, sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that sort of language in the house of the Lord."
The man said, "I was so damn inpressed with that sermon I put $5,000 in the collection plate."
The preacher said, "No shit?"

[KingKongSushi]

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! The bitch!" He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently. "Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a thousand dollars here....."

[ULTRA WARRIOR]

OK. Here's 2.


A Bear & a Rabbit side by side taking a sh*t in the woods. The Bear turns to the Rabbit & asks " Do you have problems with sh*t sticking to your fur?" The Rabbit responds " No" so the Bear picks him up & wipes his ass with him. :lol:


A big fat man taking a leak at the Y.M.C.A. His friend looks over & says " God Damn. How long has it been since you've seen your d*ck?" Fat man says "Long time." Friend says " Why don't you diet?" Fat man says " What color is it now?" :lol:

[BigEasyWhoDats]

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"


here's another one:

Five presidents are on a plane: George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton. George Washington says, "I will make someone happy!" and throws a dollar bill off the plane.
Then Abraham Lincoln says, "I will make five people happy!" and throws 5 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then Thomas Jefferson says, "I will make 500 people happy!" and throws 500 one dollar bills off the plane.

Then George W. Bush says, "I will make the whole world happy!" and throws Bill Clinton off the plane.

[The_Raven]

A cat walks into the bar and the bartender says heeeeeeeeey. We dont serve your kind here. So the cat goes, Maybe you would if I turned into a dog? And the bartender said, "Yes".

believe me, you're going to laugh after awhile.

[MalikHalo]

This is kinda long, so I'm gonna shorten it


There was a guy who rang the bell in the belfry of a church. He had had this job for many, many years, and wanted to ake a vacation. He asked his boss and his boss said, "If you can find someone to take your place, you can take a vacation." The guy agreed and put an ad in the newspaper. THe next Saturday, he heard a knock on his door. He opened the door and there was a guy who would take the job, but upon close inspection, he saw the man had no arms.

The no-armed guy said, "I know what you are thinking, but I really need this job." The man said, "OK, show me how you would do it." So the no-armed guy walks up the stair to the bell, and then he ran face-first into the bell, and "DONG! ! ! !" The bell rings. The man is shocked and says "Ya know, you have to ring it twice on Sundays." So the guy, bleeding, walks back a little and runs even faster than before. He hits the bell and again it rings out, "DONG! ! ! !"

The guy is so closed to being knocked out, he wobbles and then falls out of the belfry. The man immediately runs down the stairs and out of the church, and by then there are many people surrounding the guy's body.

A policeman comes by and sees how distraught the man is and asks him, "Did you know this guy"

And the man replies, "No, but his face rings a bell."


I love that joke XD

[EmpyII]

What did the banana say to the Vibrator?

What are you shaking for? She's gonna EAT me!! :roll:

[Ruiz]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

[MusicFan]

July 6, 2004
EARLY PORN CAREER ELIMINATED GEPHARDT AS V.P. CHOICE
Made Over 100 Films in Early Seventies, Congressman Admits

July 6, 2004
ATHENS OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY HAVE NOT BEGUN BUILDING STADIUM
NBC Furious

June 26, 2004
CHENEY CUSSES OUT QUEEN ELIZABETH
Drops F-bomb Twelve Times During U.K. Visit

June 17, 2004
BUSH BLASTS 9/11 COMMISSION FOR FOCUSING ON REALLY BAD DAY
Offers Extensive List of Better Days

June 16, 2004
MICHAEL MOORE WINS TOUR DE FRANCE
Lance Armstrong Cries Foul

June 15, 2004
HIGH COURT BLOCKS BID TO REMOVE ‘GOD’ FROM ‘GOD DAMN IT’
Decision Protects Popular Profanity
Courtesy of Borowitz Report (http://www.borowitzreport.com)

[BigEasyWhoDats]

July 6, 2004
EARLY PORN CAREER ELIMINATED GEPHARDT AS V.P. CHOICE
Made Over 100 Films in Early Seventies, Congressman Admits

July 6, 2004
ATHENS OFFICIALS ADMIT THEY HAVE NOT BEGUN BUILDING STADIUM
NBC Furious

June 26, 2004
CHENEY CUSSES OUT QUEEN ELIZABETH
Drops F-bomb Twelve Times During U.K. Visit

June 17, 2004
BUSH BLASTS 9/11 COMMISSION FOR FOCUSING ON REALLY BAD DAY
Offers Extensive List of Better Days

June 16, 2004
MICHAEL MOORE WINS TOUR DE FRANCE
Lance Armstrong Cries Foul

June 15, 2004
HIGH COURT BLOCKS BID TO REMOVE ‘GOD’ FROM ‘GOD DAMN IT’
Decision Protects Popular Profanity
Courtesy of Borowitz Report (http://www.borowitzreport.com)

hahaha i like that one :lol:

[DeadMan]

Heh, here are some, not all that good though, but didnt want to post anything too racy.

Q-Why did the snowman drop his pants?
A- Because the snowblower was coming!

There was a breats showing contest in Puerto Rico with an American, Canadian, and Puertorican. The American chick shows her tits and they are melon size, everyone applauds and she gets off the stage.
The Canadian chick goes up and shows them off, they are as big as beach balls. Everyone applauds louder then before and she goes off the stage.
The Puertorican chick comes on and shows them off. The announcer says" What the hell! They are the same size as the Canadian chicks." The Puertorican chick says "No no no, these are just my nipples :shock:

A tray of muffins gets put into an oven. One muffin says to the other "Damn its hot in here." The other muffin goes "Holy sh!t a talking muffin"

Ehh, I dont want to put anything racist and dead baby jokes would probably freak people out :?

[Rayo]

Okay someone walks into a bar



















Paulie Shore
















thats the joke.

[arefx]

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side.


amazing wasn't it?